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Winter 2005

The Adventures of an Asshole: The Johnnie Braveheart Saga

by Mary Panza

Johnnie Braveheart sits at the bar
Cologne, Coiffed, Color Contacts in place
Shirt matches the eyes, matches the pants
Shoes and belt coordinate
Tries to get this optic tootsie roll into bed
She is already two drinks away from a
"Girls Gone Wild" DVD

They discuss how uncool and stupid anyone over a certain
Age and weight
Are to them
"If you are not tragically Delicious, then you are not"

The bar room floor rumbles as some dead snotty philosopher gets
What he deserves

They exchange phone numbers, cell phone numbers, e-mail addresses, web site
information, and business cards with all the aforementioned information

Johnnie Braveheart sits at the bar
The bartender is weathered and has seen Johnnies before
Johnnies through disco, punk, new wave, Goth, grunge, and now sadly,
Metro sexual Boy band
Universally unimpressed he shoots a look to off duty
Bartender
Eye roll, ball game, gimlet

Johnnie Braveheart sits at the bar
Honing his craft
Waiting for Russell Simmons and HBO to walk in
Take him and the braless lollipop
To Cool Central
Late night Def Poetry
Fantastic Parties
Screen Plays that are too
White Hot for the major studios
Cannes
His inevitable marriage to
J. Lo
Rehab
And
Celebrity Poker

He is waiting for his parade, his props, and his throne
The cover of Interview
His Ocular Milky Way on the cover of
FHM
"The Intellectual Girl" issue
A bikini and lots of black eyeliner
World Cool Domination

Johnnie Braveheart sits at the bar

Bartender watches the game
Snaps his gum
And
Waits for his shift to end

©Mary Panza

MARY PANZA is not waiting for her parade. Even though unlike Johnnie, she's earned it.